feeling very funny today.... like nothing that I do matters anymore.... like I am one wrong word away from complete misery. I need to find a way to make myself happy again, and I'm not really sure how to. I feel bad about alot of things that are so incredibly hard to explain to people that even if I try to it won't matter because they wouldn't understand. I find it amusing how everything can be fine one minute and shitting all over you the next. everything that has made me so strong is now making me weak and there is nothing I can do about it, but wait for me to fall crashing to the ground with a viscious force that will probably kill me. Ahhh that sounds better.....sweet death is but a razor blade away. hmmm misery has come and I am deep in it.

but anyway I will update later maybe things will get better when I get home. But I doubt that the guilt  of what I have done will surmount by then.

*~Amy~*

current mood: depressed

  I have come to realize something that I should have figured out a long time ago. Just because I have lived through something that I would not wish on my worst enemy does not mean that I am helpless,  it only means that I now have a purpose in live to prevent our future from turning out the way I did.

  For the people that don't know how I grew up I will tell you. I grew up in a house of addicts and alcoholics. I grew up knowing that I had to pick up after my mom when she was passed out on the floor or my father would get upset. I grew up knowing that no matter how hard I tryed I could not satisfy the needs of my mother, I could only feed the hunger for the bottle. I grew up thinking that the only reason I existed was to take care of myself last and my brother first. I grew up at the age of seven, when most people are still riding bikes and playing with dolls I was raising a child who was only three years younger than myself. I grew up self aware, beleiving that the only way I would ever fit in was if I was like all the other kids in my class that didn't have abusive, addict mothers. The first memory I have is of my father passed out on the floor with a bottle. THANK GOD he now has over 13 years sobriety. I learned how to drive when my mom was to drunk to drive home. I knew what the bar scene was when I was only 14 years old. I don't want to be pitied, I want to be respected. A couple of years ago I watched my mom attempt suicide for the first time. There were two more times after that. I watched my mother slowly drink herself into the deepest kind of depression. I watched her go through rehab after rehab praying to god that maybe this time it would finally stick and I could have a real mother. It took jail time and a DUI to finally straighten her up, but the trust is still not all there. It wasn't until 10 months ago that I finally decided that I could tell my mother that I loved her and actually mean it. Now I look back on what I went through and I realize that I didn't deserve the hand I was delt, but that I now must face the questions I have/had. To me my mother is my source of calm in the deadly storm, because if she had survived what she did, I can survive today.

I have desided that I want to become a motivational speaker, so that I can help people make the right decisions in live and not end up like my mother or my father, and so that their children won't end up like me... a phsyco head case, who can't sleep because the nightmares are unmeasurable, and who strives to be the furthest being from my mother.

current mood: contemplative

<3 Ok so I had jumped the gun a little bit. He did remember and when he came home from work that night it was earth shaking!!! <3

Yesterday the power went out at my house and at the mall so I got a phone call saying that I didn't have to go to work because they had locked all the doors and I couldn't get in and they couldn't get out. So that was cool bc I really wasn't feeling well yesterday. I woke up with the biggest headache and I was very sick to my stomach, but of course thinking that I was goin' to have to work I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and took a cold shower and had a pb and fluff sandwich and got ready for work. BIGGEST WASTE OF MY TIME!!!

But anyhoo... I am in school today and starting to seriously concider trying to leave early, bc I feel like I'm gunna puke. But I have no ride home so I think I am stuck here. I think I may just need more sleep.

 I have been sleeping horribly for the past couple of months and I think it is starting to take it's toll. I am so run down and the nightmares keep getting worse. I don't know what is causing them other than my extremely overactive mind. Hell I can't even watch Law and Order before I go to bed. I'm not sure if it is the shows I watch or the food i eat, neither of which bother me during the day. The worse part is I keep having the same dream over and over again and to tell you the truth I have no idea what it could mean but it must mean something otherwise it woud have ended by now right? I'm so frustrated bc not only am I losing sleep over it but so is Steven. I feel like shit putting him through this, and I just want it to end.

I would rather not dream at all then to dream the terror that I am now.

current mood: indescribable

  Today is a sad day which should be a happy day.... It's me and steve's anniversary and I think he forgot. To make matters worse he has been really down on himself lately and I think it is starting to wear off on me. He has become so self aware of his outter image and has been putting himself down. If we wrestle and I get hurt even if it was my fault he calls himself a "BAD BOYFRIEND" which is the complete opposit of the actuality that is him. I wish I knew how to show him how wonderful he is to me and how much I love him without actually having to say it. I get frustrated sometimes because I feel like the only thing I have to offer him is physical love, little does he know that without him my life as I know it would end.

  I don't know how to love him the way a wife should love her husband, or the way a real woman should love her man. I am meerly childish and concerned with love of the flesh, I need to learn from him, and become a deeper part of him as he is with me. I have all these romantic ideas and none of the money to fulfil them, I hate that to indulge in a romantic evening you would need about 100 bucks to settle everything and make it perfect. That's what I want to do, I want to make just one perfect night, where I could show him how much I appreciate all the things he has done for me, and for really taking me under his wing when I was in need.

  When I am with him I feel like I could float on air and that no one or nothing could harm me. With him all of my fears and pains melt away because I know that he is with me. I have never felt this way about anyone and I feel like if I don't do the best that I can to show him how much he really means to me that I will lose him forever, in which case if that was to happen I would want to crawl into a dark space and die, because there would be nothing more for me to live for. I am nothing without him.

current mood: loved

I signed up for the day of silence in school which happens to be today.... It's so incredibly hard not being able to talk to anyone, and my hand is already tired of writting. But I made myself a promise that I would be able to do it so I will keep on truckin'.

For those of you who don't know what the day of silence is:

 The day of silence is a national youth movement protesting the silence faced by lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people and their allies. The silence echoes that silence, which is caused by harassment, prejudice, and discrimination. By ending the silence, we fight for these injustices. Think about the voices you aren't hearing today.

But anywayz... I guess it could be worse, I could not be able to talk because I can't not just because I don't want to just to prove a good point.I wish that I could have the courage that some of the people in my school have.They really don't know how much I admire their bravery.

Well I haven't updated in ages, so I figured that I would start keeping up with my LJ.

Ok to start off, I finally moved out of my house and to be completely honest with everyone I have never been happier. I started to get my shit together and I am not getting sick as much. I'm goin' to prom with a bunch of friends this year and we are gunna have to get two limos because there are so many of us goin' together. Me and steven just passed our 7 months, and I couldn't have asked for someone to treat me as well as he does. He has been so supportive throughout everything that has happened. The brosha got put on probation..... who would have thought that that would happen??? teehee!! Finally passing all of my classes except for gym but that's because I have the biggest bitch for a teacher. she is definatly a C U Next Tuesday!!!

But anyhoo, I have to get goin' I have a test tomorrow in Spanish that I need to pass. So comment my home slices!!!!

Love Yas,

*~Amy~*

current mood: accomplished

I don't think that I have ever been so tired yet so currently ammused. Last night was.... well lets just say it was amazing!!! Steven didn't wind up getting home until 12:30 and then we fooled around for a bit before I crashed next to him on the bed..... I wake up at like 3:30 and he is still up playing videogames..... I could have killed him!!! but when he finally did fall asleep he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead and told me that he loved me.....*sigh* he's perfect I swear! I don't know what would have happened if he didn't come into the picture when he did, and now he takes up the majority of the picture!!! I can honestly say that he makes me feel like no one else has ever done before and I don't wanna let this feeling go, and I don't think that I am goin' to have to anytime soon.

********I feel like I am floating and I sure as hell don't ever wanna come down*********

peace love chicken grease

*~Amy~*

current mood: loved

Well I moved out of my house last night so I am now staying at steven's house. I don't know how long it will last but I think it is for the better if I just stay away from my family for a while at least until me and my dad calm down a little bit. We got into a huge fight last night ,and I know that it probably wasn't the right thing to do but it was the best thing for me to do for myself and, I told steven to take me to his house because I couldn't take it anymore, which was so true. So now I am living with him for the time being and I love it there. His mom is so funny she almost threw all the dishes in the trash because no one would wash them, so I vollenteered. it was just dishes so it wasn't that bad, then I took my shower and watched this thing on tv about these babies that were joined at the chest and stomach and how they got separated and everything, it was a really good show.

But anywayz I am goin' to get goin' and maybe start my new book...

"Desperation" by Stephen King......... OHHHH YEA!!!!

peace love chicken grease

<3 always,

*~Amy~*

current mood: relieved